I called my daughter for encouragement and told her:
1) I’m exhausted and have no energy
2) My chest is congested
3) I have consumed four quarts of water and only one pint has passed through (Where is it going—my brain?)
4) I am suffering constant "occasional bouts of irregularity" (i.e. constipation. I know—TMI. I just want you to know that I was feeling pretty bad—physically)
5) My feet are swollen, threatening to burst forth from my cute little Payless flats with the criss-cross strap
My daughter said:
“Go and workout anyway. Maybe you will pass out and they’ll call the paramedics and you’ll wake up in the hospital.”
…or maybe I could just wake up dead…
I went.
I was the only trainee tonight. Yep. The only victim. Maybe the others were already in the hospital.
The instructor asked me if I was okay working out alone. Silly me, I thought maybe he was going to leave me to direct my own workout, and I was already planning on rolling out a mat and taking a nap. Lulled by my own water-logged thoughts, I said yes.
Started out the warm up on the treadmill, stretched, back on the treadmill again at a higher speed, and something amazing happened. (Sit down for this one, Em.) I actually started to feel BETTER once I started working out. What was happening to me?
It lasted through the first 15 minutes.
As the recipient of Instructor R’s full attention, he gave me twice the workout at the same price. We—meaning me—worked on legs and abs.
I knew I had legs. I use them all the time. But I had only read about abdominal muscles, never believing that I might possess some of them myself. The pain now tells me they are there, somewhere beneath the soft muffin top I fondly refer to as my “keg” (as opposed to a six-pack).
The most tortuous exercise of all—I’ll call it “Just Kill Me Now”—was something I thought only Chuck Norris could do. Instructions:
1) Stand on a step
2) Insert arms (all the way to your armpits) through two black slings hanging by carribeaners from a high pole
3) Bend elbows, grasp carribeaners with hands
4) Remove feet from step
5) Pull legs (or knees) up to your waist level whilst dangling like Jabba the Hut
6) Repeat 20 times
If I could have laughed I would have. Here is the diagram for your viewing pleasure:
