Bootcamp with Jess - The End...or is it?

My six-week-self-inflicted-torture-at-a-bargain-price BootcampwithJess has ended.


What, you may ask, are the end results?

Let me share—

1. Tonnage lost--.0045 (a.k.a. 9 lbs)

2. Millimeters lost – 152.4 (6 inches)

3. Times I wet my pants—0 (actually, it Depends)

4. # of pushups for infractions—200 (plus or minus 120)

5. # of actual instructors impaled, blown up, shot, run over, beaten, or disposed of by me during the 6-week period—0

6. # of incidents mentioned in #5 imagined by me during the 6-week period (I plead the 5th, on the grounds it definitely would incriminate me)

7. Number of Diet Cokes I consumed in the first 3 weeks—0

8. Number of Diet Cokes I consumed in the last 3 weeks—more than 10, less than 100

9. Number of man-pushups I can do without stopping—40

10. Insanity factor (on a scale of 1 to 10) of those who sign up for an initial 6-week journey to Helk-and-back and pay for the privilege—9.781564298

Insanity factor (on a scale of 1 to 10) of those who re-sign up for it, knowing what they are getting into—11.29837492

All—or most—kidding aside: It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

I am officially insane. I inked up for the next six weeks. I loved it. And hated it. I must have more…

Here’s to my friend, Amy Jo, who has bravely consented to join with me during the next journey to HELK—you can do it!

Dear Diary...

Dear Diary,


This week at bootcampwithjess has been a big blur. I still have a pulse and am not in traction so that is good.

Today I went to the 6 a.m. session. Dear Diary—you know I am allergic to early mornings, but I missed the Tuesday workout to drive to Elk Snout and needed to make it up.

I met a new friend. Her name is Endorphin. She only stopped by for a few minutes, but she is mighty persuasive. She told me I should sign up for the next session and start going at 6 a.m. every day.

My friend Diet Coke is kind of ticked off at me for considering it.

There is a raging battle ensuing—I just know it.

Pre-battle scene:

Endorphin thinks I can do better

Diet Coke thinks I am fine the way I am

I’m not sure who’s right. Maybe my older sister is on target, and I am STUCK ON STUPID!

Day Six - BootcampwithJess

This is for my daughter’s 13-year old friend who told her “Your mom SWEARS on her blog!” (and Brielle, you know who you are  )


“Dam” is not a swear word

“Dumb bass” is not a swear word

“Hell” is a place (where I’ve been for six days now!) and even if you consider it a swear word, I used it while quoting someone else who may have used it as a swear word, so therefore it does not count as a swear word.

“Rationalization” is what I just did in the preceding paragraph – but that’s how I roll!

Day 6 – my arms are like cooked noodles (BIG noodles; maybe dumplings)—limp and white.

We worked out arms tonight and now I am typing with my toes. There will be no drawings to illustrate the fun tonight (I’m not that good with my toes).

I did not have the 30-pound vest!

I did have to do 10 pushups for “eyeballing” the instructor.

I had to do that Dead Cockroach thing again. It was HELK! (that word was for the two Bri’s—Brielle & Brianna)

I survived the ordeal, then walked outside, slipped and fell on the ice and caused a small tremor to rock the Salt Lake Valley.

No Diet Coke for 8 days (Diet Coke is not a swear word either, Brielle)

Bootcamp with Jess - the Prequel

FACT: I have fibromyalgia.

FACT: I don’t get an endorphin rush from working out.

FACT: The only time I run is when there is free Diet Coke to be had, or I’m taking a cleanse.

FACT: If you piled my subcutaneous fat into a big blob, you would have—me!

FACT: I love a good bargain.

FACT: My judgment has become increasingly iffy as I age.

RESULT: At a chamber of commerce dinner last Thursday I got caught up in the enthusiasm of the silent auction and became the proud owner of 6-weeks of BootcampwithJess at a substantial savings to yours truly—PT Ferran (PT stands for Physical Trainee).

This is how it begins, directly from their website:

“It all starts with your first week of bootcamp called "Hell Week". During this week, you will wear a 30 pound vest (representing the extra fat many overweight individuals are carrying around with them).”

FACT: I already have a more than fair representation of “the extra fat many overweight individuals are carrying around with them.” So can’t I be exempt from the 30-lb vest? (I know, the answer is “ten pushups” which is the punishment for any infraction of the rules, of which there are many.)

While initially thrilled with my bargain purchase, the elation changed to alarm when my EFSIL (exercise freak sister-in-law) and AENN (another exercise nut neighbor) both said, “You’ll hate it. It will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done.”

My oldest daughter added to my fear when she said, “Mom, I’ll pray for you.”

One of the required items you must have is kneepads. I asked my sister-in-law “Why would I need kneepads?” She had no idea. My daughter suggested, “Because you’ll be on your knees begging for mercy so much.”

I’ll find out on Monday, from 5-6 pm what the knee pads are for. Stay tuned. If I live through “Hell Week” you can enjoy the journey vicariously. If I die, you’ll know the cause of death.

Props to me for either: 1) Starting a path down the road to fitness; or 2) Signing my own death warrant at a bargain price.

To be continued Monday night…if my fingers and arms still work.