Tuesday, May 14, 2013

A Fly on The Wall

Have you ever wished you could be a fly on the wall?
I had the opportunity on Mother’s Day. After enjoying a delicious dinner of steak, guacamole & chips at my M-I-L’s house, my grand-girl called me over to the edge of the deck to convince me to watch her jump on the tramp (not to be confused with what my sister does when she finds sleeping hobos in a backyard shed).
I told grand-girl I wanted to visit a little longer with the grownups. Instead of going back to the table WHERE I LEFT MY iPHONE, I sat in the swing and visited with my daughter.

Or should I say – I lit on the wall and watched with my two large compound eyes and listened:

My S-I-L whom I shall fondly call MCat [catching sight of shiny object]:       “Whose phone is this?”

My Husband whom I shall fondly call MCat’s Evil Sibling [gives evil laugh]: “It’s Terri’s iPhone. Let me show you what you do when someone leaves their iPhone unattended.”

MCat’s Evil Sibling unlocks my iPhone and shows MCat how to take pictures.

MCat convinces her Mother Unit to get involved in the fun.
My Daughter is watching with me. She loudly asks, “Where is my mom?”

Without pausing from her glamour shots, MCat replies, laughing hysterically, “I don’t know!”
MCat reveals the fount of all her wisdom.
MCat includes Splenda in the pose (notice me sitting in the background, still watching)
By now, everyone but the four perpetrators are aware that I’m there watching the whole thing

MCat thinks we need a pit shot (shout out to her awesome shaving hygiene!) MCat announces that she hopes I post these on Facebook.
My Daughter walks over to them: “You really don’t know where my mom is?”

Mother Unit: “I think she’s inside” [places hand over her mouth whispers loudly, “You know, P-O-T-T]

MCat clarifies: “SHE'S GOING POTTY!”

My Daughter: “She’s been gone a pretty long time.”

MCat: “When we get older it takes awhile”

Before she can photograph what she means by that, I reveal my presence. I laughed so hard I barely made it to the P-O-T-T!

Well, MCat – here you go! It’s not Facebook, but I’ll be sure to link it so the world can see how photogenic and photogenius you are. I LOVE YOUR STINKIN’ GUTS!

Monday, September 24, 2012

Happy Birthday - You're Halfway Dead!

Today started out happy, jolly & nifty
I woke up alive on the day I turned fifty

My parts are still working though some are quite droopy
My jammies are clean and my sheets are not poopy my mind’s kind of loopy

My teeth are my own and I’m telling the whole truth
(Except for two implants, ten crowns, & gold bling tooth)

I got discount coupons for half-price hearing aids
Colonoscopy offers that make me afraid

Then the Diet Coke Fairy decided to come
With a HUGE Diet Coke in a super-size drum

I picked up a straw and attacked it with zeal
After 63 tries I realized it’s not real

I turned my attention to the big Hershey’s kiss
Another fake cut-out, now I’m feeling quite pissed amiss

Then I find bite-sized chocolate to calm down my nerves
And a six-pack of Diet Coke with Coke-bottle curves

Forget about ears and intestinal masses
It’s clear to me now that I really need glasses

Half-a-century old might mean I’m half-way dead
But I woke up this morning ALIVE in my bed!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Bucket list - Free Willy & Wakeboarding

A long time ago I learned from Reader’s Digest that no one really wants to hear about my gall bladder surgery (Yeah—I was shocked too).

However, no one—and I mean NO ONE—can resist a heart-warming story of a more-than-halfway-dead (hey—I am almost 50) woman crossing off an item on her bucket list.
Bucket List Item #4 – Wakeboard before I turn 50

Action plan – Attempt wakeboarding in a freshwater lake, away from beaches, to minimize the possibility of another ugly harpooning incident
Real-life photographic proof:

Me (bobbing in the water wearing magic helmet and bossing everyone around, because I know EVERYTHING)

Me (realizing my pectoral fins are worse than useless—they are non-existent, and the Fiber-one bars are not quite working as designed)

Me (getting up on the wakeboard, gliding across the water in perfect form)

 Me (preparing to crash & wishing I had a magic nose plug to go with my magic helmet)

 Me (underwater, spouting water from both nostrils)

Wakeboarding model displaying form, fashion, and ferran-tastic-ness (Ignoring the shouts of “Free Willy!”)

Hooray! I did it!

WARNING: Do not try this at home or near whaling vessels

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Choosing Charity - The Book!

One more month!
Choosing Charity is almost here! I'm so excited about this third and final installment in the Faith - Hope & Charity Trilogy. I posted the cover a while back, but my publisher re-vamped it and I love it!

If you're interested, here is the back-cover blurb (I hope you can read it!):
Re-read Finding Faith & Having Hope to get in the groove!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Four desserts and a bathroom

Dear Diary:

After three months of saying no to desserts I ate: cheesecake, chocolate cake, chocolate mousse cake, and another chocolate cake. Four desserts in one sitting. My belly hurts and my brain is pinging like a pin-ball machine stuck in a million-point bonus round.


I made friends with a woman in the bathroom. She shared her bladder-surgery story, I confessed to eating four desserts, and then I accidentally tried to leave via the bathroom closet.

My new friend alerted me. Good thing I struck up a conversation with a stranger in el banos. Otherwise I could still be trapped in the bathroom closet talking to mops, wondering why the service in there was so lousy.

Thanks, mi amiga.  May your new, improved bladder come to your rescue as you did to mine!

Friday, January 13, 2012

Common Terms and Phrases (a.k.a. What you find when you Google yourself)

You never know what you’ll find when you Google yourself. I scrolled down three or four pages because you just can’t predict what obscure personal information might pop up that you forgot about during that last “Ambienesia” episode.

I found a delightful link about one of my books, Life’s Alphabet Soup: When Your Children Make You Eat Your Words.

One section showed the following:

Common terms and phrases

Not only does that describe the book, it describes MY LIFE!

What are some “Common terms and phrases” that describe your life?

Friday, November 11, 2011

A Letter to My Fellow Authors

Dear Fellow Wordsmiths:

As several of you know (and most of you don't care) I have an exciting, heart-stopping day job. I am a CPA who specializes in audit. Auditors are beloved by all (or maybe it's abhored--I get the two confused). But the point is, you have to act professional and people assume you know a lot about complicated stuff that nobody can pronounce.

That's where I was yesterday when I got the email: Choosing Charity, the third installment in my Faith, Hope, & Charity trilogy has been accepted by CFI.

I wanted to do the happy dance accompanied by a couple of banshee hollers for good measure. I mean, it's my book and it's been accepted!
If you bust a dance move and engage in general merriment whilst acting in the capacity of an auditor, the client gets nervous.

So I calmly walked into the controller's office and said quietly. "I'm going to share something with you that no one else knows."
Having captured his attention, I followed up wiith, "I just got word my 4th book has been accepted for publication!"
He blinked and said, "I got a new refrigerator."

I had to force a smile until I remembered, I can make this audit really difficult for him [evil, maniacal laughter erupts in my brain]

I called my husband who, like Mary Poppins, is practically perfect in every way. (Except he doesn't carry a carpetbag and has way too many speeding tickets.)

"Choosing Charity has been accepted for publication!" I gush.

"Wow, that's great. You'll make, what--five or ten cents an hour?"

I'm revoking his Mary Poppins status and grounding him from my Camaro.

Such is the support I had--or didn't have--so I'm turning to you all. The few, the proud, the people who work for pennies per hour.


[Bustin' dance moves, fracturing a hip, trying to find my car keys]

Carry on!

Terri Ferran