Thursday, June 24, 2010

What! No chocolate?!

A couple of months ago I went in for a polysomnography (sleep study) to see if I have sleep apnea. I looked like this:

A week after that, I went in for a polysomnography with CPAP (sleep study with an elephant nose) I looked like this:

I recently visited the Dr. for the official report and, unfortunately the assistant weighed me first. The scale made a noise that sounded uncannily like “One at a time, please” and I watched the medical assistant mark my height and weight on the chart and saw that the intersection landed over the line dividing overweight and obese. I am now obese. I look like this:

I had a hard time focusing on the doctor telling me I have moderate to severe sleep apnea (I may have been looking for chocolate in my purse). Since I had stopped breathing 125 times the night of the first study, the longest episode lasting 41 seconds, the elephant nose is my new appendage.

As if pushing the upper limit of middle-age with a thickening body that sprouts hair in the most inconvenient places isn’t enough to make a woman feel unattractive, sleeping with the long hose protruding from my nose whilst making Darth Vader noises adds to that empowering feeling of “I Am Woman, hear me roar!”

My husband tries to be supportive as I struggle to roll from obese back to overweight, in an effort to help the sleep apnea. While I gnaw on salad greens he offers encouraging phrases such as, “Does it bother you that I eat my chocolate Hagen Daas in front of you?” After he dislodges the pint from his nasal cavity, he gives me a back massage. I now look like this:

I think he may be getting it. The other night I awoke to find him shoving my nasal pillows back up my nostrils. Apparently, the mask had slipped and the resulting vortex alerted his survival instincts and he didn’t want to wake me, so he took action. At least, that’s what he told me. I think he’s afraid for his Hagen Daas.


Rebecca Talley said...

You always make me laugh. My doctor talked to me about menopause today--like I'm old enough for that (so what if I really am, I don't want to hear that).

Tristi Pinkston said...

Overweight? Obese? Terri, I saw you at the conference - you're not either of those things! What kind of chart are they measuring you with?

Sheltielady said...

There are worse things than sleeping with Darth Vader (tell Tod to keep his hands to himself - that's YOUR mask)
I vote you skip other high calorie things and keep eating the chocolate... life is too short to cut out what you enjoy :D

M-Cat said...

This sleeping arrangement is a phenomenom I would like to witness.

Remember I am laughing WITH you, not at you. WITH you I say....!

Sheralyn said...

I just so love that you took pictures. Rock on! I don't think I breathe when I sleep eiher. When I had roommates they said it was freaky to see me sleep because I don't move at all. After checking for signings of life they just crossed their fingers that I would wake up the next day.

You're not alone!!! :)

Marsha Ward said...

If the nasal pillows slip out, you might need a different style of delivery system. Were you a candidate for the nasal mask, or the full face mask? I use a nasal mask.

Word ver=expun Hahahaha!

Do eat your chocolate. Life's no fun without it.