Happy Birthday - You're Halfway Dead!

Today started out happy, jolly & nifty

I woke up alive on the day I turned fifty

My parts are still working though some are quite droopy

My jammies are clean and my sheets are not poopy my mind’s kind of loopy

My teeth are my own and I’m telling the whole truth

(Except for two implants, ten crowns, & gold bling tooth)

I got discount coupons for half-price hearing aids

Colonoscopy offers that make me afraid

Then the Diet Coke Fairy decided to come

With a HUGE Diet Coke in a super-size drum

I picked up a straw and attacked it with zeal

After 63 tries I realized it’s not real

I turned my attention to the big Hershey’s kiss

Another fake cut-out, now I’m feeling quite pissed amiss

Then I find bite-sized chocolate to calm down my nerves

And a six-pack of Diet Coke with Coke-bottle curves

Forget about ears and intestinal masses

It’s clear to me now that I really need glasses

Half-a-century old might mean I’m half-way dead

But I woke up this morning ALIVE in my bed!

Bucket list - Free Willy & Wakeboarding

A long time ago I learned from Reader’s Digest that no one really wants to hear about my gall bladder surgery (Yeah—I was shocked too).

However, no one—and I mean NO ONE—can resist a heart-warming story of a more-than-halfway-dead (hey—I am almost 50) woman crossing off an item on her bucket list.

Bucket List Item #4 – Wakeboard before I turn 50

Action plan – Attempt wakeboarding in a freshwater lake, away from beaches, to minimize the possibility of another ugly harpooning incident

Real-life photographic proof:

Me (bobbing in the water wearing magic helmet and bossing everyone around, because I know EVERYTHING)

Me (realizing my pectoral fins are worse than useless—they are non-existent, and the Fiber-one bars are not quite working as designed)

Me (getting up on the wakeboard, gliding across the water in perfect form)

 Me (preparing to crash & wishing I had a magic nose plug to go with my magic helmet)

 Me (underwater, spouting water from both nostrils)

Wakeboarding model displaying form, fashion, and ferran-tastic-ness (Ignoring the shouts of “Free Willy!”)

Hooray! I did it!

WARNING: Do not try this at home or near whaling vessels

Choosing Charity - The Book!

One more month!

Choosing Charity is almost here! I'm so excited about this third and final installment in the Faith - Hope & Charity Trilogy. I posted the cover a while back, but my publisher re-vamped it and I love it!

If you're interested, here is the back-cover blurb (I hope you can read it!):

Re-read Finding Faith & Having Hope to get in the groove!



Four desserts and a bathroom

Dear Diary:

After three months of saying no to desserts I ate: cheesecake, chocolate cake, chocolate mousse cake, and another chocolate cake. Four desserts in one sitting. My belly hurts and my brain is pinging like a pin-ball machine stuck in a million-point bonus round.

  [Squirrel!]

I made friends with a woman in the bathroom. She shared her bladder-surgery story, I confessed to eating four desserts, and then I accidentally tried to leave via the bathroom closet.

My new friend alerted me. Good thing I struck up a conversation with a stranger in el banos. Otherwise I could still be trapped in the bathroom closet talking to mops, wondering why the service in there was so lousy.

Thanks, mi amiga.  May your new, improved bladder come to your rescue as you did to mine!

Common Terms and Phrases (a.k.a. What you find when you Google yourself)

You never know what you’ll find when you Google yourself. I scrolled down three or four pages because you just can’t predict what obscure personal information might pop up that you forgot about during that last “Ambienesia” episode.


I found a delightful link about one of my books, Life’s Alphabet Soup: When Your Children Make You Eat Your Words.

One section showed the following:

Common terms and phrases

actually afghans animals asked bathroom bathtub Ben & Jerry’s better boat bunny bushes Cabbage Patch Kids can’t chil child chocolate chore lists clean cook cookies Corvette couldn’t couple cup holder daugh dead didn’t Diet Coke dinner dirty dishes dishwasher dren drive embarrassed felt ferret harness garbage girl humor husband ice cream Jaguar Jaguar XJR Jazzrabbit Jerry’s karate keep knew Lake Powell laugh learned leprechaun liFe’s alPhabeT souP lived look mother neighbor never night nose older oldest daughter overreacted pickles picky pizza play powdered milk pretty quilts ramp realized reminded sing smarzy smell smile son’s spend stop supercharged Swamp Parents talent teenager tell terri ferran things thought told took tried trying vacuum cleaner wanted wasn’t weeds whining yard YOYO Zoomph

Not only does that describe the book, it describes MY LIFE!

What are some “Common terms and phrases” that describe your life?